Horoscope – September 2019

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  Gemini | May 21 to June 20

  Don’t go out Friday, nothing good will come of it. Keep up your energy up by connecting with old pizza boxes.
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  Cancer | June 21 to July 22

  Stay out of the sun as much as possible and since you’re reading horoscopes you’re probably a woman so don’t walk down that dark alley alone.

   

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  Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

  This is your week to yell, “this is my week! ” to no one in particular. Beware of saturn returns as this can come back to bite you.

   

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  Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

  Buy stock in any fruit based shares and keep your eye out for a bird in the bush (it may be worth 2 in the hand)

   

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  Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

  Fortune cookie says ‘buy more fortune cookies’. Must be a sign. Stock up for winter.

   

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  Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

  Crackling chocolate from Trader Joe’s will possibly change your life. Your lucky number is 12. (unless you have 12 children)

   

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  Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

  Keep reading those motivational quotes, they’re about to finally pay off. Buy 3 lottery tickets

   

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  Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

  If you can’t see the wood for the tree’s, head to an optometrist.

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  Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

  There’s nothing queer about being an Aquarius and the guy that yells that at you every day is just jealous.

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  Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

  You will no doubt achieve all that is plastered on your vision board this month. Just meditate so some yoga, then keep an eye out for a unicorn. Your best color is brown.